Police Officer Clings To Life As Wife Spreads Virus

An invader

Mansville, Virginia – A local cop can now add “warrior” next to his name when mentioned in the law enforcement community.

It was learned that Officer Paul Messner, a uniform cop working day shift for Mansville PD, had called out sick recently missing 3 days of work.

A FOIA request revealed a doctor’s note which said that Messner had been diagnosed with the “common cold”.

This strain however was especially ruthless as the symptoms included a mild fever, stuffy head and a runny nose.

Rebecca Messner, wife of Officer Messner, was reluctant at first to share the details of her husbands heroic battle with the insidious virus that attacked her knight in shining armor last week.

“I am ashamed to admit but I’m afraid it was me that brought the virus into our home,” said Mrs. Messner, holding back tears as she spoke.

Rebecca went on to describe the moment she first noticed something was amiss.

“I felt the fever set in about the same time my nose began producing copious amounts of snot and mucus.”

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“The timing was terrible, but I was still able to attend the Woman’s March in Washington and still make it back in time to get the laundry and dinner ready for my man,” Rebecca said proudly.

Later that evening Rebecca noticed something was wrong with Paul.

An epic battle 

“The first sign of trouble was when he told me he felt like he was burning alive,” Rebecca reluctantly admitted.

“I took his temperature and realized how bad it really was, 99.6 degrees,” continued Rebecca.

At this point in the re-telling of her husbands epic battle with the common cold, Mrs. Messner became emotional.

She needed a few minutes to compose herself before continuing.

“It wasn’t long before he started gasping for air, telling me he couldn’t breathe,” bemoaned Rebecca.

“That’s when I knew the congestion had set in.”

Rebecca then frantically Googled Web MD which recommended that he just breathe through his mouth.

Mrs. Messner went on to explain that this one little piece of advice most likely saved her husband’s life.

But her husband was still in terrible agony.

She kept thinking to herself that thank god Paul was a former Marine and street cop. This toughness, this shear manliness would have most likely been far worse for your average man.

“He kept saying over and over, I’m dying – I’m going to die – Oh god.”

“I felt so helpless,” cried Rebecca.

“And I know what a lot of women will say, that he just had a “cold” and that men are such babies when they’re sick,” Rebecca said defensively.


On day 2, after forcing her husband into an ice bath to break the fever, Officer Messner’s temperature finally started to come down.

“Once his fever spiked to 100.1 degrees, I knew I had to do something to save his life,” she explained.

Although the Messner’s family doctor would later confirm both Officer Messner and his wife had the same “head cold”, it was clear that Officer Messner contracted a much more severe strain of the virus.

This was confirmed when he asked Rebecca several times for her to “just shoot me” and “can you please hold me in my final moments before I die”.

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On the third day the fever broke.

Officer Messner, with the tenacity that only a true warrior can know, overcame the virus that day and reported back to full duty.

“What that poor man went through, it’s a wonder they didn’t throw a parade or observe a moment of silence upon his return to work,” Rebecca proudly proclaimed.

“I just wish that more women would stop with the stereotype of men being complete babies when they’re sick,” she said.

Mrs. Messner didn’t stop there, boldly stating, “I think my husband has finally answered the question as to which is the stronger and more powerful sex!”

Several weeks after the story broke, it was learned that a statue was being erected in Officer Messner’s honor for surviving the virus that almost took his life.

You can find other SATIRE articles like this one and more at The Salty Sarge Facebook Page.


  1. It sees as though there’s a wimp in this family and a NUT. I’ll leave it to you to decide which is which.

  2. HA! This EXACT thing happened to me recently, when my boyfriend brought a virus into the home.

    He, too, was able to attend the Women’s March.

  3. On the north side of Chicago, the police officers call in sick if they broke a fingernail or are having a bad hair gel day. Also, they can take a day off if their supervisor hurts their feelings. If they want to man up and come to work anyway, they are allowed to bring their Boo-Boo-Kitty.

  4. Is that why the murder rate is so high in Chicago? (I’m more inclined to believe it’s because of the anti-gun laws.) Argh!

  5. The murder rate is so high in Chicago because (1) the politicians need the “community” vote; (2) if the police take action against the “community”, their actions are scrutinized are examined to the nth degree with a lot of punitive discipline; (3) there is no accountability for the “community”. They are free to rape and pillage like Vikings; and (4) the ” community” has very poor conflict resolution skills and even poorer impulse control.

  6. That was no mere “cold”. It was obviously ” man flu” which is significantly more serious that the common cold that usually affects females. I hope he has no lingering after affects after his brave battle.

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