Stafford, Arizona – Fed up with the growing trend of police brutality and other social injustices portrayed by the media, the town of Stafford, Arizona has decided they have had enough.
The police in this city have been ordered to stand down.
Meaning, they can no longer enforce laws or make arrests. This order also has suspended the police from any further criminal investigations to include murders.
The controversial order was enacted by their city council in hopes of curbing any sensationalized, overblown media coverage of any future officer involved shootings or police brutality complaints.
“Even though we have only had one use of force complaint in the last 5 years, we wanted to be ahead of the game when it happens again,” said Stafford Police Chief Ronald Danforth.
“We have formed a citizen investigative panel to investigate any major crimes that occur from here on out,” explained city manager Paul Dewberry.
“The police in Stafford will still respond to disturbance and assault complaints but will take no action,” said Chief Danforth.
“Our role as police will now be to just hear everyone complain and bitch about their miserable lives with a continued expectation that we will solve theirs and the rest of society’s problems,” the Chief reiterated.
The police will also turn in their guns as a deterrent to shooting unarmed black men.
They will, however, be allowed to keep their Tasers as the general public believes that Tasers are 100 percent effective in all violent and deadly force confrontations.
Decals with the term “Why didn’t we just taze them?” will be placed on every police vehicle in the city to remind the officers what is expected if they have no choice but to use force.
The academy in Stafford will also be changing the teaching climate for new police recruits as it pertains to force and the new “procedural justice” platform which is now being taught.
The new officers, to include the remaining officers, will now be reminded that sometimes “it’s okay to be scared”.
They are also advocating that if officers are scared that it’s perfectly acceptable for them to turn and run away if they feel threatened or intimidated.
“We are actually in the process of making “safe spaces” for officers who decide to run away,” said Chief Danforth.
“The new policy will also allow officers the option of wearing running shoes instead of boots to increase their speed when they split tail and run,” the Chief continued.
“I believe these new measures will certainly have some growing pains but it should keep our city from appearing on CNN or other the nightly news stations,” said the city manager.
The police in Stafford will continue to direct traffic as this was considered one activity that has a low likelihood of violence. Directing traffic also allows the citizens a chance to continue their anger at police while at the same time thinking they could do a better job.
The officers will still be expected to take crime reports as a part of their new primary function as rolling
secretaries, staff assistants, on wheels.
The City Council votes next week to reduce the current police manning level in half due to the expected dramatic decrease in crime because of these measures.
You can find other SATIRE articles like this one and more at The Salty Sarge Facebook Page.