Cop Blocked: Cops No Longer to Enforce Laws or Investigate Murders

Stafford, Arizona – Fed up with the growing trend of police brutality and other social injustices portrayed by the media, the town of Stafford, Arizona has decided they have had enough.

The police in this city have been ordered to stand down.

Meaning, they can no longer enforce laws or make arrests. This order also has suspended the police from any further criminal investigations to include murders.

The controversial order was enacted by their city council in hopes of curbing any sensationalized, overblown media coverage of any future officer involved shootings or police brutality complaints.

“Even though we have only had one use of force complaint in the last 5 years, we wanted to be ahead of the game when it happens again,” said Stafford Police Chief Ronald Danforth.

“The Greatest Cop Story Ever Told”

“We have formed a citizen investigative panel to investigate any major crimes that occur from here on out,” explained city manager Paul Dewberry.

“The police in Stafford will still respond to disturbance and assault complaints but will take no action,” said Chief Danforth.

“Our role as police will now be to just hear everyone complain and bitch about their miserable lives with a continued expectation that we will solve theirs and the rest of society’s problems,” the Chief reiterated.

The police will also turn in their guns as a deterrent to shooting unarmed black men.

They will, however, be allowed to keep their Tasers as the general public believes that Tasers are 100 percent effective in all violent and deadly force confrontations.

Decals with the term “Why didn’t we just taze them?” will be placed on every police vehicle in the city to remind the officers what is expected if they have no choice but to use force.

The academy in Stafford will also be changing the teaching climate for new police recruits as it pertains to force and the new “procedural justice” platform which is now being taught.

The new officers, to include the remaining officers, will now be reminded that sometimes “it’s okay to be scared”.

They are also advocating that if officers are scared that it’s perfectly acceptable for them to turn and run away if they feel threatened or intimidated.

“We are actually in the process of making “safe spaces” for officers who decide to run away,” said Chief Danforth.

“The new policy will also allow officers the option of wearing running shoes instead of boots to increase their speed when they split tail and run,” the Chief continued.

“I believe these new measures will certainly have some growing pains but it should keep our city from appearing on CNN or other the nightly news stations,” said the city manager.

The police in Stafford will continue to direct traffic as this was considered one activity that has a low likelihood of violence. Directing traffic also allows the citizens a chance to continue their anger at police while at the same time thinking they could do a better job.

The officers will still be expected to take crime reports as a part of their new primary function as rolling secretaries, staff assistants, on wheels.

The City Council votes next week to reduce the current police manning level in half due to the expected dramatic decrease in crime because of these measures.

“Policing in America: Why Good Cops are Leaving”


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29 Comments

  1. There you go.
    Wouldn’t it be nice to show what society would be like without a functioning law enforcement department…
    Hmm, pick a larger city than the little ole podunk town of Stafford, the little benign town that it is…

  2. Yep here we go. Let some of our officers get hurt or killed. Sue for what they have. You wanted this now here it is. Bare arms. I’m not giving up my rights. The officer’s need to pack up and leave. Let them fend for themselves. Let the thugs take over then they will be screaming for help. F*** them all. Let the thugs come to my house. They will be thrown in a hole in my back yard.

  3. Seriously?? I don’t blame the police for doing that and we will see how long it takes the citizens to start protesting the police non action when anything happens. This country has gone brainless for all the stupidity they are creating. I really hope other cities dont adopt this policy.

  4. This, has got to be one hellova bullshit story. No way anyone would remain a cop under these conditions. Unbelievable fake news.

    • Hey John, or should I say special person. Look at the top of the article where it clearly states that the article is “humor”..

      • … Shit, I knew this Story was Humor by the word Arizona in the Title .. lol. After 17 years working for MCSO in AZ, I am pretty confident that Arizona is one of the last places you’ll ever see a Department do something like this. I could definitely see this happening in California though. LOL

  5. Hummm…. can you tell me if they have a bank there?
    Sincerely,

    Billy the Bank Robber.

    PS: Can you have them pack up the money in twenties and hundreds next Monday?

    Thanks again,

    Billy

  6. Actually they all need to get fired for getting political and not doing their jobs. Police need to be regulated and if they don’t want to be then there is where a police state begins…… fire then all. They’ve over stepped their bounds and should not be paid for not doing their jobs.

    • This is satire, Dave. The fact that you couldn’t see that requires that your “internet opinion license (IOL) ” be revoked immediately. Please turn your IOL in to your local federal building (post office, DEA office, or Starbucks).

  7. Wait. This is one of those fake articles meant to poke fun at certain PD’s right? If not then holy sh** balls!

  8. Even though this story is a satire, it does mimic certain trends in law enforcement. I’ll give some examples, let’s use the recently made famous by tragity BSO. BSO has been utilizing a crime tracking scheme (Powertrac) where crimes are either categorized differently and/or cleared with the intent to reflect a more desirable crime statistics. This was done to showcase BSO’s “professionalism and efficiency” which has allowed them to take over/absorb law enforcement services of smaller municipalities (Parkland). I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

    Regards…

  9. I realize this is a satirical piece, but it may be hitting close to the truth in many departments where getting reelected is more important than getting the job done. Community Policing at it’s finest……

  10. Funny stuff… I love a good satirical piece when it is well written..but I must say, the way all of the libtards react, this is way too close to their vision of how our society should be

  11. You mean I can get paid for going to work and not doing a damn thing? Sign me up! But seriously, out here in California this isn’t too much of a stretch..,.

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