Sign of the times

Batesville, Ohio – In reaction to the latest mass shootings that have spread across our country, an elementary school in Ohio has declared “enough”.

That’s why an active shooter at their school was stopped by a sharpshooting 1st grader this week.

In a controversial and bold move, they decided to arm every teacher and student at Rainbowland Elementary School.

Yes, you read that right.

Every teacher and student!

This controversial new policy has many shaking their heads and asking why?

“The real burn comes when people find out we have been doing it for the past 6 months,” said Ms. Trautman, 2nd grade teacher at Rainbowland.

Before the heroic act of bravery by Henry, a 1st grader in Ms. Ortega’s class, Rainbowland was vulnerable.

“Like every other elementary school in this country, we were sitting ducks,” said Principle Doug Danforth. “Our sorry politicians are bought and owned by the gun lobby and do nothing to protect any one of us,” Danforth panned.

“So we took their advice, along with every other gun rights advocacy group, and decided to arm everyone.”

“Even the children,” Danforth continued in a hushed tone.

It hasn’t been easy implementing this policy at Rainbowland Elementary.

We have learned that the transition to arming the students proved both challenging and outright dangerous.

Growing pains

From early accounts, it hasn’t been easy.

A private donor supplied all of the firearms, many of which had to be custom fitted due to the small hands and fingers of the kindergarten and 1st graders.

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The training lasted for 6 weeks which consisted of basic gun safety all the way to advanced marksmanship. Some students adapted well to the training and embraced their 2nd amendment rights.

Others were a bit more nervous about handling a gun and learning how to use it.

These issues were quickly addressed with an accelerated “Call of Duty Desensitization Shooter Course.” Soon, all of the students, K through 5th grade, were willing and able to hold the line if called upon.

The hardest part was convincing the children that the guns were real.

This was realized quickly when several accidental discharges occurred the first day of training.

“Two of our instructors were struck by the gunfire but their wounds were deemed non-life threatening.” said one of the instructors .

“We found out rather quickly that putting the students in time-out did little to reinforce weapon safety practices,” he further explained.

“But taking away recess and snack time seemed to do the trick”.

Each student, and teacher, were put through rigorous room clearing and active shooter scenarios during the intense 6 week program.

This training was put to the test last week.

An unlikely hero

Before he became the “kid who saved the day,” Henry was just your average, un-assuming 1st grader.

He liked to eat chicken nuggets, microwavable mini-pancakes, and anything else that contained sugar.

He played soccer and Call of Duty and was just learning how to write his name.

But it wasn’t until Henry was introduced to basic marksmanship that the staff and instructors at Rainbow Elementary began to take notice.

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“He was a natural,” one of the instructors proudly proclaimed.

“Well, he wasn’t exactly a natural until we modified and customized the gun to fit his tiny hands and fingers.”

“But once we taught him the fundamentals of sight alignment and sight picture, the rest was easy,” bellowed proudly the lead firearms instructor.

“The hard part was trying to turn Henry into a savage sheepdog protector who wouldn’t hesitate when the time came to do what needed to be done,” said Principle Danforth.

Henry, and the rest of Rainbow Elementary, would soon find out if Henry and the rest of the school were ready to put their training to the test.

A bad idea

As soon as the first shots were fired that day, many of the teachers and students froze in panic.

“My first thought, and I’m not going to lie, was that this whole experiment was a bad idea,” confessed the Principle.

The active shooter walked un-impeded down the main hall, emptying magazine after magazine.

By some miracle, no students or teachers were hit by the wall of lead that was being unleashed by the active shooter.

An after action report revealed that, although many of the teachers and students had tight groups on their paper, it’s a little different when that paper target is actually shooting back at you.

By another miracle or grace from God, the shooters gun jammed.

It was at this point that Henry emerged from the cowering mound of frightened teachers and students with his school issued firearm.

Written statements from teachers and other students revealed the heroism that Henry displayed that day.

Some even said that while Henry was firing at the shooter, they could hear him say “gonna get me some, gonna get me some”…

The shooter was taken down by several well placed shots from Henry.

Unfortunately, ballistics would also show that Henry had mistakenly shot 38 of his own classmates during the gun fight (all survived).

To make matters worse, the active shooter was actually Billy Krakauer, a 5th grader at Rainbow Elementary.

Preliminary investigation has revealed that Henry and Billy had recently fought during recess over a girl.

Her name is Rebecca, a 4th grader in Ms. Johnson’s class. She refused to talk about the incident.

“Maybe arming everyone wasn’t such a great idea after all,” confessed Principle Danforth..

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