San Clemente, California – One of the most incredible stories of survival you will ever hear has just come out on the news wire. Many who first learn of the event are still shaking their heads in disbelief.
Officer Mike Bare with the LAPD, presumed missing and dead after falling overboard on a recent Carnival Cruise, was discovered two days ago barely holding onto life.
Bare was found by a team of researchers doing work on Easter Island In the South Pacific.
Initial reports indicate that Bare, who had been drinking heavily the night he went missing, was found unconscious and clinging to life on the barren island in the middle of nowhere.
But that’s not what is so shocking about his miraculous rescue.
What the unsuspecting researchers found has some of them needing immediate grief counseling.
Officer Bare was found clutching onto a human foot. Upon closer observation it was discovered that the foot was his and that it appeared to have been gnawed on.
As they attempted to remove the foot from his grasp, Bare jerked forward from his comatose state and bit into the fatty part of the severed foot.
It took three of the men to finally free the mangled foot from the jaws of Officer Bare who screamed and gnarled at the men as if he were a wild animal.
Doctors made a feeble attempt to re-attach the foot but too much of it had been eaten.
After being treated for severe dehydration and dressing the stump where his foot used to be, Bare gave his version of what happened to local doctors.
Bare said that he had been drinking Sangria’s and “killing it at karaoke” in his mumbled words, when he next realized being adrift in a vast sea. He saw an island off into the distance with “funny looking statues” and swam for it.
The rest of the story gets a little hazy.
Bare mumbled that he hadn’t had food for two weeks and that his foot started to look like a Bear-claw with chocolate sprinkles on it.
When asked how he cut off his foot Bare just smiled and said he didn’t remember. This response is actually quite common in auto-cannibalism cases.
The last question prompted an answer that was most disturbing. Bare was asked why not his hand or his fingers or a part of his arm.
Bare said that he was afraid his agency wouldn’t let him be a cop anymore if he couldn’t type or take reports. “But how can you be a cop with only one foot,” one of the Doctors asked.
“Cops stopped chasing bad guys about 15 years ago”, Bare muttered as he begged for morphine.
“And yes,” Bare stated, just before closing his eyes as the morphine coursed through his veins, “It tasted like chicken.”
You can find other SATIRE articles like this one and more at The Salty Sarge Facebook Page.
His foot was probably better than the buffet on the cruise anyway.
Now that’s funny SouthSide!
I’m here to brighten your day.
Thanks Mr. Southside