Augusta, Georgia – In yet another incident that defies all logic, Tiger Woods has now received a lifetime ban from the hallowed grounds of Augusta National Golf Club, site of the Masters Golf Tournament and the PGA Tour.
What started as a friendly practice round with competitor and ultimate rival, Phil Mickelson, soon turned tragic.
The initial reports coming in are not good.
Most pro golfers view the practice rounds leading up to the tournament a time to relax and engage with the patrons.
Many of those lucky enough have been waiting years to win a lottery just to attend. Guests are even encouraged to bring cameras to the practice rounds which are not allowed during tournament play.
For the lucky patrons who arrived early Tuesday morning, a chance to walk and witness one of the true greats of the game, Phil Mickelson.
They were also rewarded with watching his playing partner, Tiger Woods, a golfer who once showed glimpses of greatness two decades ago.
After the first few holes, all seemed quiet and good between the two until the 14th hole.
That’s when it happened.
Tiger had been spraying the ball all morning and was caught making the slightest grimace which prompted Phil, one of the smartest guys on tour, to ask if Tiger was Okay.
That’s when Tiger blew up.
He immediately walked over to Phil and his caddie and shouted, according to witnesses, “Hey Lefty, why don’t you shut the fuck up!”
Phil, visibly shocked from the outburst from Tiger, responded by mocking Tiger’s alleged back injury that is reported to have been fused with metal rods.
The two then started shouting expletives at one another mixed in with brutal trash talking.
One witness overheard Phil calling out Tiger over and again about his back injury. With a tear forming in the corner of Tiger’s eye, Phil kept taunting him with no let up.
At one point Phil blamed Tiger’s back injury on his obsession with lifting weights. This was followed up by a 7 minute dissertation by Phil on the benefits of weight-bearing exercises and proper nutrition.
At the conclusion of his speech, Phil challenged Tiger to a push up competition in the middle of the fairway. Tiger, obviously in pain from his sore back, declined the challenge.
This is where Tiger snap hooks it OB, figuratively speaking.
He once again hobbles over to Phil shouting golf expletives only the two of them can understand. That’s when Sergeant Brad Danforth of the Augusta Police Department, working overtime security, had heard enough.
As he stepped in, he initially tried to push Phil back but his 280 pound frame wasn’t budging.
Sgt. Danforth then turned his attention to Tiger.
As he turned, a glimpse of an overhand right from Tiger was spotted by the grizzled cop. Danforth’s training immediately kicked in and he was able to avoid a direct punch to the face.
Tiger swung so wildly that his forward momentum caused him to fall to the ground. Sgt. Danforth, with the help of Phil and a few patrons from the gallery, were able to get handcuffs on Tiger and transport him to Butler Cabin.
The chairman of Augusta National immediately called for the lifetime ban of Tiger Woods from Augusta National which includes the Masters Tournament.
Phil was able to complete his practice round, making 5 consecutive birdies to close out with a 63.
Observers could hear Phil giggling and laughing as he walked off the 18th green as a tournament official whispered in Phil’s ear…
Tomorrows practice round has Phil paired with Bubba Watson.
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If Tiger would have tried to hit him with his 1-iron he would have missed. Nobody can hit anything with a 1-iron.
Fake! Surely, no one will believe this to be true.
Randall, calling you an idiot is actually the nicest thing I could say about you. I would love to say that you saw the multiple tags and indicators explicitly detailing that this article was written as satire. Surely, you didn’t, in your abject wisdom, overlook this before you wrote such a moronic tort. -SS
He was too busy writing his acceptance speech for “smartestest person ever!”
Sadly this is todays reality. People see only what they want to see. You even list it first after your name in the header…
Maybe they don’t know the definition of “satire”…???