Solar Eclipse Nearly Wipes Out Entire Police Department

solar eclipse

Solar Eclipse

Aiken, South Carolina – While most Americans gathered in a rare showing of unity across the country to view the solar eclipse, one police department is reeling in tragedy.

Nearly 75% of the Aiken Police Department in South Carolina, 10 of its 16 sworn officers, were rushed to the emergency room for eye related injuries caused by the solar eclipse.

The first 911 calls started coming in just as the sky darkened from the moon achieving total eclipse. Citizens reported observing a large group of officers running around screaming, grabbing their eyes while shrieking in agony.

The details are still sketchy but one of the officers who was with the group said that the officers had viewed the eclipse with a pair of bogus solar shades.

We were able to recover the bogus solar shades and discovered the disturbing reason why the officers were injured.

The solar shades turned out to be 3D glasses from the local IMAX movie theatre, not solar eclipse sun shades as thought by the officers.

Many of the injured officers and their families are outraged and want the heads of whoever offered the fake solar shades.

When showed the actual glasses used, many however had changed their minds and no longer wanted to speak to reporters.

In large bold lettering, the glasses clearly state on each side of the frame “3D IMAX Glasses”. Even further, labeled on the inside of the frame reads a warning; “Do NOT use to view SOLAR ECLIPSE”.

One would think this would be the end of the story but sadly it is not. Several witnesses have come forward and have mentioned that the first two officers who used the glasses immediately started screaming while the other cops watched.

As the first two officers were begging and screaming for the other officers to shoot them to end their misery, it appeared that the other officers just looked at each other and laughed.

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“It looked like they all thought it was a big joke, until almost everyone of them started screaming,” said Laura Pendleton, co-owner of the Aiken Bowl bowling alley.

“I’m not gonna lie,” said Ms. Pendleton, “I was laughing with everyone else, until someone picked up those glasses.”

“I knew cops had a sick sense of humor, but I knew something wasn’t right,” Pendleton concluded.

In a good faith effort and support of the officers, the theatre where the 3D IMAX Glasses came from have offered the children of the stricken officers free admission to all movies for a year (as long as they purchase a large popcorn and soda for the movie).

This story is still developing and updates will be provided as they break.

You can find other SATIRE articles like this one and more at The Salty Sarge Facebook Page.


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